It's a touchy subject.
A battle that is leaving it's mark. I'm talking about breastfeeding. My girls are on the brink of 14 months and I am struggling with the thought of no longer nursing them.
I knew long before the girls were born that I wanted to nurse them. As any mother knows, there is a big difference between doing and wanting. I am so grateful that God allowed me the ability and perseverance to push through the trials that come with the task. It hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't have picked a different road by no means.
I've been able to give so much of myself to my girls through nursing. I have spent hours upon hours in that locked eyes glaze, their little bodies forming like putty to my body, the fast pace of their hearts and the soft whispers of their angel breaths. It's a sweet connection that only I have with my girls. No one else has touched that part of their life but I and to think of the day where we no longer have those surreal moments...I just cry.
Mike and I have had the "children" talk. We know that God has plans for us and if He wills us to carry another child, than He will provide in all ways. Unfortunately, most of our conversations have ended with tears, only forming due to the thoughts of not trying for more. It's a hard thought to handle.
There's a bittersweet feeling that overwhelms me when I think about this chapter. My heart quivers at the thought of no longer nursing them...it's a feeling of finality. The thought that I would not only no longer nurse Hope and Savannah, but that I may never nurse another baby again. And to be honest, I haven't really wrapped myself around the whole idea.I haven't formally decided yet. I'm getting mixed signals from the girls and am afraid that as their Moma I'm going to have to call the shots..but can I?
There are many aspects of motherhood. It is not consumed by breastfeeding alone. There is more and I am fully aware of this. Turning the page on this chapter of my life means welcoming a new collection of care giving opportunities...a chance to offer myself to my girls in a different way .
“The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast.” Genesis 21:8
I've been praying on this for while and asking God to help me though this struggle. I realize that just as I am thrilled and grateful for the fact that I have been able to provide for my girls...I should not mourn. I should be in celebration mode for what's next, for what God has in store will be just as amazing and memorable as our bond from nursing. Abraham celebrated Isaac's glory day as an honor to his mother...to show that he respected her for loving him .I can be stong too. I am proud of the obstacles I had overcome to raise two beautiful, healthy daughters. Now it's time for me to allow myself to take that step back, celebrate, and simply watch them grow.