Monday, July 19, 2010
Everyday, I am given the opportunity to step into the home's of many friends in "blog world." Stories are shared about family gatherings, new memories that are made, children with their grandparents, etc.
You know what it makes me think of...home.
I. Miss. Home.
So much, it makes me cry. I believe that that is why I am in the state that I am now. Unfortunately, I can't really explain that "state" how I would like. I love sharing all of my stories with you...sometimes they're even a little on the funny side. However, I've never been the best at interpreting my own heart. It's a fickle thing.
Today (well, yesterday if you're reading this as a Tuesday post) was a hard day for me. It's not fun to break down and lose control of your emotions...I am not as strong as I thought I was and I try so hard. It has been a long time since I've sat back and just let go. Mike asked me what was wrong and my heart was so scrambled, I couldn't put my feelings into words to share my aching with him. To be honest, he's been asking me for the past week if something was on my mind. I'll admit, I've been in another world lately and I'm having a hard time getting back.
I know no one can be perfect, but I sure try. When I was younger, I always wondered how my "settled" life would play out. Look at me now. I am always searching for more and more ways to improve what really doesn't need to be improved. Little things like cooking. I can't count the number of meals that I've made over the past month that have ended with the "Please don't make this again" look from Mike...all because I'm trying to broaden our recipe book. Why?
As a Moma to two beautiful girls, I wake up every day with one thing in mind...them. They are my energy or the day. Some days I need their extra boost to help me make it through. There are times when I go to sleep at night and I'm still adding things to my "to-do" list. There are times I feel like such a failure because I didn't get something accomplished. I am extremely hard on myself...but yall, that's me. I want to have all my ducks in a row. I want to actually have everything together instead of just acting like I do. Make sense?
The last thing I want for my girls is for them to see is a woman that is weak in her ways. I want them to look at their Moma and desire to be like me. Is that selfish? I hope not. I just want to be that person that they think of when someone asks them to describe a strong person.
I know that right now none of it matters to them. I know that they don't care if the clothes are picked up, if the guest bathroom isn't decorated for guests, if the fridgerator isn't stocked with food, if I didn't save a lot of money at the grocery store...none of that matters to them.
And see...even after I write it out..it still feel so scrambled and a mess. I'm not sure if what I've written makes sense or has a point. But, that's what I feel.
And in the end...this is my happy place...