Today was the original day. The day that Dr. Blanton said I would be due. You probably are wondering what I'm talking about...the girls weren't born in August *said with a raised eyebrow*...they were born in January. What's going on here?
August was the due date for our Angel baby, Hadley Grace. Today in fact. August 23rd.
I woke up this morning shocked that it is already here. My heart is heavy with emotions today. To be honest, it has been for the past month. As if I've been anticipating today's arrival. My moods have been up and down...trying to blame it on the "sinuses" but it's all a lie. I'm not sure if it's for myself or to keep from breaking down to my husband.
I know, of all people he's the one that should completely understand, right? I know. But for some reason I'm so afraid of his reaction. It's hard to explain in detail fully what I mean. The look, I guess, that says, "You're still not over this? you have two babies now." That one.
March 11th was hard because that was the day that I lost her (and I say her because in my heart that's what I felt she was) and then there's today. August 23rd, the day that I feel like sometimes was stolen from me. The day that she was supposed to join her Daddy and I and be filled with happiness and lots of joy.
There are times when I yearn for just a brief moment to walk with her and share with her the tremendous love that my heart has for her little soul...I didn't get to tell her. There are times when a tremendous rush of anger overcomes me...because I didn't get to embrace her like I feel I should have. I didn't get to tell her bye.
I don't get to wish her happy birthday or hold her like I do her sisters. When I see families with 3 children, I admit that I become jealous. That could've been us. That should've been us. That's something I'll never have. It hurts! I hurt. Bad...I can't hide it. Even with Hope and Savannah, my body aches for her...still..to this day. I feel as if she's missing out on everything that would've been so special here on earth.
But then, a sense of grace overcomes me...she's with Jesus. How can I beat that? How can I be angry with that?
How can I, today, feel jealous or angry that He's holding her instead of me?