Monday, August 23, 2010


Today was the original day. The day that Dr. Blanton said I would be due. You probably are wondering what I'm talking about...the girls weren't born in August *said with a raised eyebrow*...they were born in January. What's going on here?

August was the due date for our Angel baby, Hadley Grace. Today in fact. August 23rd.
I woke up this morning shocked that it is already here. My heart is heavy with emotions today. To be honest, it has been for the past month. As if I've been anticipating today's arrival. My moods have been up and down...trying to blame it on the "sinuses" but it's all a lie. I'm not sure if it's for myself or to keep from breaking down to my husband.

I know,  of all people he's the one that should completely understand, right? I know. But for some reason I'm so afraid of his reaction. It's hard to explain in detail fully what I mean. The look, I guess, that says, "You're still not over this? you have two babies now." That one.

March 11th was hard because that was the day that I lost her (and I say her because in my heart that's what I felt she was) and then there's today. August 23rd, the day that I feel like sometimes was stolen from me. The day that she was supposed to join her Daddy and I and be filled with happiness and lots of joy.

There are times when I yearn for just a brief moment to walk with her and share with her the tremendous love that my heart has for her little soul...I didn't get to tell her. There are times when a tremendous rush of anger overcomes me...because I didn't get to embrace her like I feel I should have. I didn't get to tell her bye.
 I don't get to wish her happy birthday or hold her like I do her sisters.  When I see families with 3 children, I admit that I become jealous.  That could've been us. That should've been us. That's something I'll never have.  It hurts! I hurt. Bad...I can't hide it.  Even with Hope and Savannah, my body aches for this day. I feel as if she's missing out on everything that would've been so special here on earth.

But then, a sense of grace overcomes me...she's with Jesus. How can I beat that? How can I be angry with that?

How can I, today, feel jealous or angry that He's holding her instead of me?


  1. All normal feelings Kristen...You loved her and you miss her...and yes, she is definitely with Jesus, and he is loving her so much. May that fact bring you peace.

    We have three grandkids who live with Jesus. Two baby boys and a 6 yr. old girl. All three from our daughter Lynnette. She wrote two books to tell her well as the story of the 911 operator who took the call on her 6 yr. old. His life was forever changed because of our little Anna.

    All of our lives were changed too. And so I do understand sweet Kristen...and my heart hurts for you today. But God loves you hon, and he loves all three of your babies...the two here and the one living in heaven.

    Try to give it all to Him...He will walk you through each day and give you hope to help you get through. I know from experience...and so does my daughter. Just wanted to tell you I care.

    {{Hugs, Love, and Prayers}}


  2. Thanks for your comment on my blog! I would love for you to share a side dish recipe with my me at boblyns at yahoo dot com! Thanks

  3. What a tear jerker! You are such an amazing woman and I just know all three of your girls are so proud you're their mama. Keep on smilin, she is in VERY good hands.

  4. beautiful. thanks for sharing hadley with us here! xo sending you hugs and praying.


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But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more Psalm 71:14