Friday, December 31, 2010

Emotional Unawareness

Please accept my apologies ahead of time.

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. For some crazy reason, I always tend to come across blogs that send me on an emotional ride right before I get to bed. I have decided to take my husbands advice and only do blog surfing in the morning so that I have the remainder of my day to think out my thoughts and settle any motherly emotions that have bubbled up due to a heart felt post I might have read.

See here, I know that I am a blessed Moma when it comes to my girls. I have looked at my babies and prayed to God and cried out my thankfulness to Him. I know that He has gifted me with the love and compassion of two silly and adorable children. But as most women that have lost a child, sometimes it's hard to get past that ache. Even when time has passed and others have moved on. There is no telling what particular incident or occasion that might stir up memories or bring you to instant tears. There are no words to explain or tell someone that asks if you're okay and why you're crying, just empty breathes. And sometimes, just sometimes, reading about the stories of other women likewise makes you feel as if you're not alone in the world that you have secluded yourself too. When I first became pregnant, I never imagined or attempted to prepare myself that things could go wrong. That is normal though to think that your pregnancy will go smoothly and somewhat perfect. That is unless you've lost before. It is then that you think the worst in all occasions. A frown, a raised sparks all uncertainty and your blood pressure instantaneously hits the roof out of fear. Make sense?

The post I read yesterday hit home primarily because of the age of the child. 11 months and three days. WHAT?! How old?!?
So there the thougths went, at 4 in the afternoon, going in all directions , tears flowing, and my arms reaching out to the closed bedroom door where my precious babes were sound asleep. There I was sitting by myself, girls asleep in their cribs, and a play list of relaxing songs playing in the back ground. 11 months and 3 days. My girls are 11 months. Just as I couldn't imagine losing my first, I couldn't imagine ever losing one of my girls now. It doesn't seem like it's possible. That there could be a day when something tragic happens and we are no longer together. How dear Lord, could that ever be? It is though. We live in a world of uncertain events..where only the Lord knows what is in store for us. 

My heart aches for my loss still, but when I read stories of Moma's that have lost their babies after realizing who they were and how even more amazing of a blessing they were, my hearts aches more for them. It makes me thankful that, and as crazy of a thought this might seem, it sometimes...sometimes...makes me thankful that I wasn't able to get a glimpse of the person that she might have been..because then I think that my heart would have been as permanently broken and unfixable. 
My angel Hadley Grace

I wonder how these women were able to move on. How were they able to get themselves out of bed and welcome a new day. How were they able to walk around their house with empty echoes? How do you go from living your life only to care for a "mini-me" to having only yourself to tend to?
Emptiness? How is it managed?

Women like Lynette and Julie

It is days like today when my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. When my heart hurts and all I want is that skin to skin contact of my girls because then and only then will I know that they are safe in my arms and that no harm will be able to weasel it's way between us.

My apologies if you read this and are left confused and regret clicking on the post. But putting it all out there brings a sense of peace.

"Then call on me when you are in trouble,
and I will rescue you,
and you will give me glory."
Psalm 50:15

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But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more Psalm 71:14