Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. For some crazy reason, I always tend to come across blogs that send me on an emotional ride right before I get to bed. I have decided to take my husbands advice and only do blog surfing in the morning so that I have the remainder of my day to think out my thoughts and settle any motherly emotions that have bubbled up due to a heart felt post I might have read.
See here, I know that I am a blessed Moma when it comes to my girls. I have looked at my babies and prayed to God and cried out my thankfulness to Him. I know that He has gifted me with the love and compassion of two silly and adorable children. But as most women that have lost a child, sometimes it's hard to get past that ache. Even when time has passed and others have moved on. There is no telling what particular incident or occasion that might stir up memories or bring you to instant tears. There are no words to explain or tell someone that asks if you're okay and why you're crying, just empty breathes. And sometimes, just sometimes, reading about the stories of other women likewise makes you feel as if you're not alone in the world that you have secluded yourself too. When I first became pregnant, I never imagined or attempted to prepare myself that things could go wrong. That is normal though to think that your pregnancy will go smoothly and somewhat perfect. That is unless you've lost before. It is then that you think the worst in all occasions. A frown, a raised eyebrow...it sparks all uncertainty and your blood pressure instantaneously hits the roof out of fear. Make sense?
|My angel Hadley Grace|
It is days like today when my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. When my heart hurts and all I want is that skin to skin contact of my girls because then and only then will I know that they are safe in my arms and that no harm will be able to weasel it's way between us.
"Then call on me when you are in trouble,
and I will rescue you,
and you will give me glory."