If you're hoping for a dose of pep talk and motivational words, you might want to go ahead and click the red "x" in the upper right corner. I'm indulging in a bit of sad tonight. I need it.
Sad? Well, it's been a rough month. Not bad, but rough. Similar but different in the same sense. Newborn and two almost three year olds and no family support all on a lack of sleep....rough. 'Nough said. I'm left scratching my head at the end of each day trying to come up with a plan for the day that soon follows.
Letting go of all the things I thought I'd be accomplishing is a hard battle. Embracing reality. Ugh. I have friends that are past this stage. Their kids aren't screaming in their faces. Their family lives five minutes away. They seem to have this productivity schedule that I seem to have missed the memo on. I'm fully aware that everyone and every family has their own timetable and groove, but in a sense I feel like I'm on the outer banks of their steady pace. I feel left behind in some ways. Then in full swing, I have a horrible sense of guilt that takes over and I feel horrible for even feeling this way. My girls are amazing. They make me smile and warm my heart but they also stress me out at the same time.
My heart is sad because I feel like I'm lacking as a mom. I end the day questioning my successes in motherhood. Things like talking sweetly to my girls and not raising my voice. Tending to the homely duties is lacking big time (my floors are far from clean). My heart is sad because I feel as if my girls deserve so much more than my heart is giving them. An area in need of improvement.
I'll be back soon. Happier words and thoughts to share. I know God is going to share that silver lining with me here soon. Probably during my girls' "Dear God" time. As for now, this is how I'm feeling. I'm taking the moment and grasping the sadness to make myself face tomorrow with a more positive outlook and hopefully and plan of action to over come and achieve VICTORY !!