I've never claimed to be.
However, I do strive to do the best I can at this Moma bit. I don't try to replicate anyone else because I know that it's my own groove and jig that's gonna get me from A to B. I try to get by on my own doings because in the end, it's me that has to take care of what's in front of me.
Some days are better than others. Some days I rock it out like you wouldn't believe. Others...well...it's a minute by minute process that feels as if the end of the day will never appear which in the end it always does. I have a lot of struggles on my plate right now. Not just as a Moma but as a wife and woman of God as well. It's a tough bit to chew but I know that the Lord is guiding me and building me up and giving me strength to fight forward.
So, today, I'm voicing my struggles because I'm pretty sure that there's someone else that may fighting the same battle and maybe, just maybe, we can wade through it together.
--Exercise. Ellie girl is almost four months now. I've been to the gym twice. I just don't want to go. I'm not sure if it's fear or what. I know it'll change but right now it's a battle.
--Battles. This war that's going on between the girls and I is tearing me apart. I love having fun, being silly, and dancing around the room. I haven't done that in a while because everything is a tantrum, a fuss, a I don't want to do that with you or her, I'm gonna say no because I know that's what you don't want to hear. Ugh. It's tough.
--Motivation. I'm losing it. I'm finding it much easier to forgo everything and just sit. No to the gym. No to the girls favorite kitty game. No to story time. No to this, that and what ever deserves an ounce of my energy. No motivation what-so-ever.
--Desire. There is none. My time is so packed with things that I'm running behind on that the desire to fit anything else in there is zilch. I thought it would be cool to try and take some classes since I'm home all the time, but I can't honestly think how I'd do that. I emptied my closet of all my scrapbook stuff, downsized my fabric collection and tossed all of the randoms that could be turned trash to treasure.
--Getting to Church. By the time we get there the only thing I want to do is sleep because I'm exhausted from the ordeal of getting there.
--Church. I'm pretty sure it's because I haven't been in a few weeks or maybe not. Maybe it's the devil intervening where he shouldn't. Maybe it's because I feel trapped and I just don't want to spend any more energy that I have to during the day mainly because of the third struggle listed above. Maybe it's because I still don't feel 100% about the church we're at. I don't know. There's something missing and I haven't quite figured it out yet. So as of last week, I haven't been to church in almost a month and a half. Which also bothers me and makes me feel horrible inside because the girls are also not going. Talk about burdening.
--Marriage. We're not struggling so don't fret. I'm just trying to figure out the balance between my Moma hat and Wifey hat. When to make a switcheroo for the other. I don't want to use the baby as an excuse but I know I have more focus on being a Moma more than a wife these days. So, I'm working on finding that balance.
--Finances. Trying to pull things together and make thinks work for the better is such stress.
That's it. Not a lot but I feel better putting it out there. Maybe you feel the same. Maybe not. If you do though, email me. We'll chat and hopefully be able to lift each other up and raise one another's spirits. If you don't want to chat about, just send me a wink and a nod and I'll send up a prayer for you.
Thanks for listening.